Thank you, Jesus

Hello all and welcome back to grace upon grace. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and that 2021 has brought you many blessings thus far. Grab your tea, coffee, or hot cocoa; get comfy - maybe you have some fuzzy socks or an extra soft blanket; and enjoy reading.

2020 & 2021

With it being 2021, I wanted to share some of my aspirations for the new year. The new year is always great because it is like a breath of fresh air! Before I get to that, I wanted to reflect on 2020 and talk about what I have learned and continue to learn about God's abundant love for us. Many people will say that 2020 was the worst year ever, let me offer my perspective on this past year. Personally, 2020 was the worst, but best year of my entire life. I talk about this frequently with my cousin, Katie.

In the beginning of 2020, I was in a great relationship with Jordan, we had a cute little apartment in Plattsburgh, it was an awesome start to the year! February came and I was offered my current job as a postpartum nurse. I will never forget receiving the phone call that I got the job. I had just fallen asleep after working a 12 hour night shift. My chances of getting the position were super low, so I was not expecting a phone call. My phone rang and the first part of the conversation was a complete blur. I felt like I was dreaming. Halfway through the conversation, I woke up and I just remember saying, "are you serious?!" to the lady from HR. We hung up and I began crying so hard. Jordan came into our bedroom to check on me. I sat there and cried to him because I was so excited and relieved. I was so excited to finally start a job that I enjoyed. It felt like all my hard work had paid off. All the tears that came from disliking my job as a med/surg nurse didn't even matter anymore. March came and our trip to Florida was cancelled due to - you got it, COVID-19. Jordan and I muscled through it and just decided to use that vacation to see family at home. April came and COVID-19 was still roaring, but I started my new job! Everything was going great, but there was one incident that caused a huge amount of anxiety for me. Jordan helped me the best that he knew how, but I just needed to work through it on my own. That was the start. April was the start of my anxiety. I didn't know at the time that it was only the beginning and that I was in for a long ride. The beginning of May was great! Jordan and I were going to get a puppy. We were looking at new apartments. We were also visiting home a lot, which was loads of fun.

Friday, May 29th, 2020. That was a hard day guys. No worries, I asked Jordan for permission to share parts of our breakup. "I love you so much as a person, but I just am not in love with you anymore," are some of the HARDEST words to hear from the person that you called your best friend and pictured a future with. I remember everything about that day. I remember where we were sitting when he told me. I remember every feeling that I felt. I remember going to the bathroom and sitting with my back against the locked door, so he couldn't even try to come in if he wanted to. I remember crying so hard that it was silent. I remember hearing him cry out to God, "I am so sorry for hurting her, God. I am so sorry. Please help her," over and over again. I remember every move I made and every move he made. It was a seven hour long breakup. It was hard. It was hard to let go. It was hard to say goodbye. The most painful thing was feeling like my heart had shattered into a million little pieces. But, that is not it, before he left, he so carefully picked up every single piece that he broke, and walked out the door with my heart in his hands. It sounds dramatic, but it is so true. I hated him for three days. That is it. He is honestly still one of my best friends and he always will be. I frequently thank him for breaking up with me because it was one of the best things for me. We had a great relationship, don't get me wrong, but I have realized so much since we have broken up. He taught me a lot. Previous to him, I was in a very toxic and abusive relationship. Jordan showed me that love isn't being yelled at, it isn't being forced to have sex, it isn't being made to feel little. I am telling you, love isn't that. 1 Corinthians 13 - take a look at it if you don't already know it. THAT is what love is. Jordan showed me glimpses of that love every day, but the biggest and most important thing missing in our relationship was God. We would occasionally pray together and we would sometimes go to church together, but we were living in sin. I mean hello - we lived together before marriage. Looking back, it is very obvious that God was not our focus, which is why I thank him for breaking up with me. I didn't see it at the time, but God had a much bigger plan for the both of us, and it didn't involve us being in a romantic relationship (friendship is where we are meant to be!).

It wasn't that easy though. I didn't wake up the day after our breakup and have that big revelation. In fact, I had that revelation in October - five months after we broke up. In a perfect world, I would skip over June, July, August, September, and most of October when telling you about 2020 because those months were terrible for me. That was my rock bottom. That was the waking up not wanting to be alive. That was the staring at myself in the mirror and hating what I saw because I felt nothing. I felt paralyzingly numb. I wanted nothing more than to go to bed and just not wake up. I saw no point in life. I hooked up with people. I drank a lot. I really did not care about myself. I was going through the actions of life and not living. I thought so little of myself. I disrespected myself in so many ways, which really was disrespecting God. How could I hate His beautiful masterpiece? It brings tears to my eyes sharing this with you guys because I don't want anyone to ever feel the way that I felt. We learn and we get through it. I sought medical help in the beginning of August, which was only the beginning of a long journey to getting the Brianna that I loved back.

So basically it seems like 2020 was the worst year ever, except I got a job that I like, right? Wrong. Halfway through October on a super random day, it clicked. God. Surrender it to God. What could I lose? Nothing. I was already at the bottom, so just trust Him and let go. So I did just that. I have spoken about this before, but it is life changing. The moment I came to this conclusion was the moment I decided to not have sex until I was married. It was the moment that I decided to not drink alcohol again until my mental health was under control. It was the moment that I texted Ashley, a great friend from church, to talk for the first time. It was the moment that I changed everything, but really all I did was choose God. Then He changed everything. Let that sink in. I had no strength left in me to fight anymore, so He fought the battle before me. The best part is that He will fight for me (and you) over and over again.

LET ME REPEAT THAT. He will fight my battles over and over again for ME because He loves me; because I surrendered, and continue to surrender, everything to Him; because I trust Him; because I choose Him and He chooses me. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. He chooses me. He chases me. When I am running the other way, He calls my name and He runs after me. He pulls me from the fire. For what? Guys, I am still figuring it out. I don't get why He loves me (us) so much, but He does and I will never take that for granted again. The goodness of God is overwhelming.

"With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now. I give you everything."

The Goodness of God by Bethel Music & Jenn Johnson

YouTube that song - I will link it below! It is my favorite praise and worship song right now. As I was trying to find inspiration to write this blog post, this song kept coming to mind. I listened to it and the above verse hit me differently. Neon colored lights were flashing in my eyes and God was shouting, "HELLO BRI! Reflect and then write about this. Write about surrendering to Me and how I RUN to you - over and over again."

The Bible talks about surrendering to God and giving everything to God time and time again. Of course, there are different ways you can surrender to God. Surrendering to God means obeying Him in every single way. It means trusting Him. It means walking not by sight, but by faith. It is understanding what Jesus did on the cross for you. It is taking every thought captive and making it obey God. It is living out the Word of God. A few verses you can turn to are:

"For God has not given us a Spirit of Fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind."

2 Timothy 1:7

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says."

James 1:22

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

James 4:7

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up."

James 4:10

I was watching a documentary about Hillsong United and one of the band members, Taya, said, "lifting your hands during worship is surrendering to Him." I couldn't agree with this more. It is an action that says, "God take it. I give it to you. All my worries and all my fears - I give them all to you. Make me worthy of your love." He will take you to your knees. He will make you bow to Him, but surrendering your life and fleshly desires to Him is one of the most freeing things one can do. You will become overwhelmed with joy and peace. I had three weeks in a row where I was bawling my eyes out during my church's worship service. Yup, even in front of a cute church man, even right next to his brother during one service (HAHA). All jokes aside, worship is one of the ways I connect most with God. Music has always been a way that I express emotions, so worship has been a big thing for me. I have even been spoken over, in the Spirit, that I will somehow be involved with praise and worship in the future. Right now, that means I hold private worship services in my living room almost daily. It is crazy how close I feel to God during worship. I can speak tongues easiest during worship. I literally surrender everything to God. I lift my hands up and I give it all to Him. The most beautiful part is that He takes it. He takes it all.

You may wonder why I am going on a tangent about praise and worship, especially on my mental health journey blog. Well, I have been crying during worship for three weeks straight because I am believing God to heal me from my mental illnesses. I surrender the anxiety, the depression, the bipolar to Him - over and over and over again. I will continue to do so until I am healed. I know God will heal me. Whether that means I become more acclimated to therapy and my medications or I one day no longer need to take medications. I don't want to make it seem like I don't struggle with my mental illness anymore because I very much do. I still have anxiety attacks. I have days where I don't want to get out of bed. I don't always want to take my medications. I refused to take my medications recently because I convinced myself that they didn't help me. Who was that? The devil. Satan knows when you are vulnerable, he knows what makes you irritated and he takes that and he runs miles with it until you can't take it anymore. For me, I struggle with my medications. Please hear my heart when I say that because I don't want you to think that just because I gave my life to God means that I don't struggle. I have people who hold me accountable with taking my medications because it is hard for me. Just last week, I stared at my medications for an hour and forty-five minutes. I didn't want to take them. I didn't want to tell anyone that I was struggling to take them, but I did because I knew that I would listen. I knew that if someone told me to take them, I would. The next day, I told my friend who told me to take them the day before that I was happy because I was able to take them without someone telling me to. Although that seems small, that was HUGE for me. Don't minimize your victories and don't let Satan get even the smallest foothold in your life.

So where does 2021 come in? Right now. My best friend, Sara (pictured to the left) and I FaceTimed to talk about our goals and aspirations for 2021. We want this year to be filled with happiness. We kicked off the New Year with some other woman, including my momma and oldest sister, by starting a six week Bible study called, Seamless, by Angie Smith. It is wonderful so far. The goal of the Bible study is to make the Bible one big seamless story. I will link it below.

My word of the year is gentle. I want to learn how to be more gentle with myself and with others. I read online that, "gentleness comes from a state of humility." I believe this to be so true and The Bible even backs that statement. Scripture that I am focusing on to help me fully understand and demonstrate gentleness is as follows:

"Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love."

Ephesians 4:2

"You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."

1 Peter 3:4

"Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Matthew 11:29

My goals for 2021 are:

1. Dive into Scripture for 30 minutes daily.

2. Intentionally pray throughout the day - in the morning, before every meal, while completing daily tasks, and at night.

3. Get up and move for 30 minutes, five times a week.

4. Complete my skin care routine two times a day.

2020 - the worst, but best year of my life. I went to Hell and back. I had to die before I could resurrect and see the beauty in the life God has given me. I am now living in Heaven on Earth because I surrendered, and continue to surrender, everything to Him. To Him, I owe it all. He was my saving grace. Listen to the song that I am linking below. Lift your hands up and surrender to God. Let Him bring you to your knees. Everything will be okay, I promise. Allow Him to love you like He so badly wants to. It is so worth it. Make 2021 the year where you focus on you and your relationship with Christ Jesus. It is never too late to accept Him into your heart. For those struggling with mental health, know that help is only a phone call away. Seek out medical help. Go to therapy. Take your medications - even if you are stubborn like me. The medications are working. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. Learn to love yourself like God loves you.

Thank you, Jesus, for choosing me and giving me your undeserved love, grace, forgiveness, and mercy every single day.

Joyfully,

Bri

Goodness of God by Bethel Music & Jenn Johnson: https://youtu.be/-f4MUUMWMV4

Seamless Bible Study by Angie Smith: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1430032308/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1